The "WEIGHT"ING GAME: March 2012

TODAY’S A NEW DAY!!

Last night I tossed and turned . . . and cried . . . 1:30am, crying . . . but I doze off. 3:17am, wake up. Cry myself to sleep. 6:35, wake up again, cry AGAIN . . . I refuse to continue this behavior . . . I am dissatisfied. I’m unhappy. I must make some changes. This “weight loss” thing is really bothering me. It’s hard. It’s stressful. It’s EXPENSIVE. BUT, the hardest lesson that I’m learning is. . . IT’S SLOW!! To make myself feel worse, what do I do???? I get up, go to the bathroom, and step on the scale. The scale reads: 278.2! SOOOOOO, let me tell you how I got here.

In 2002, I was a sophomore in college. One cold day in October, I woke up with severe cramps. Because I had irregular periods (before this moment, the last one was January 2001) I didn’t suspect that it was a period. It wasn’t. From the time that I was 13, I had been to several doctors, several times about the absence of my period (amenorrhea). The diagnosis: I needed to lose weight. I had always been a “thick” girl. I recall the fitness test in 5^th grade when I weighed in at 120 pounds; about 30 pounds more than most my classmates. However, I had always felt that I “carried” my weight well. I would describe myself as “wide instead of round”. I was solid – solid thighs, solid arms, and even though my stomach wasn’t flat, it was solid. No “jiggle” . . . I’ve never had an issue with how I felt about myself. I’m intelligent, blessed, beautiful, confident, loved . . . just EXTRAORDINARY. Ok, I’m ego tripping J but you catch my drift!! I could even out-run, out-jump, and out-play people much smaller than me. But, back to the cramps . . . Because I had no health insurance, I had to see a “based on income” doctor . . . This visit would change EVERYTHING. (It was the one time I was thankful for being a broke college student). Several tests, blood work, and a biopsy later, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). The doctor explained that there were many symptoms associated with this syndrome. They included: absent periods, weight gain, insulin resistance, predisposition for diabetes, slowed metabolism, INFERTILITY. Despite all those symptoms, the only one that stood out was INFERTILITY because I could surely live without periods!! I didn’t understand or care about the others. What was different though, was that until that diagnosis, I had always declared “I’m never having children!” Once the doctor said that, it’s like I instantly started daydreaming about my future kids. I had questions . . . Why me? What type of WOMAN would I be if I couldn’t have children? Who would want to marry a woman that couldn’t birth her own children? How would I even explain to a potential mate that I wouldn’t be able to possibly have his kids? I was devastated. My doctor prescribed birth control pills to regulate the period, and METFORMIN (Glucophage) to control my blood sugar/insulin resistance. Over the past 10 years, I’ve taken both of them off and on. Sometimes I think that I’d rather have the physical pain and cramping than the emotional effects/hormonal imbalance from the medications! Anyways . . . In November 2011, I stood on the glass scale in my bathroom PRAYING that it wouldn’t crack. I was startled at the number - 304.3!!!! I seriously think that I blacked out for about 1 minute. THAT was the defining moment for me. I INSTANTLY became unhappy with my body. I had to do something. That day, I went to my cabinet and I threw away EVERYTHING that I considered “bad.” I trashed gummy bears, Jolly ranchers, popcorn, Pringles, pasta, Kool-aid, and a few other items. In the afternoons, I started to walk the perimeter of my apartment complex. I TRIED to eat healthy; it was expensive and required a lot of planning. One week before Thanksgiving break, I decided to join a gym. I went daily and over the holiday break, I even went twice a day. I started changing some of the things that I ate, but this was difficult because I’m such a picky eater. I don’t LOVE food like the misconception that most people have about plus sized people. I eat for survival. I’m not an emotional eater, but my choices were limited. No seafood . . . no “slick” foods (oatmeal, yogurt, etc.) . . . WHAT’S A GIRL TO DO!? I made an appointment to see my doctor in January. When I weighed in at her office, the scale read 298. I sobbed. I had done all of this for almost two months and all I lost was SIX POUNDS. She then explained that because of the PCOS, I would have to work 3 times as hard as the average person to lose the same amount of weight. I cried some more. Crying is my coping mechanism . . . With food and exercise recommendations from her, I set out to accomplish this feat . . . A few pounds at a time; slow and steady. I even tried a weight loss shake that eventually make my blood pressure spike to 207/169; stroke level. I knew then, that I was gonna have to do this this the HARD way - TOTAL change in diet and exercise.

That leads me to now. I’m 26 pounds down with a lot to go. I woke up crying because it’s tough. It’s uncomfortable. It’s so much easier to just stop. But if I stop, I’ll be an UNhappy camper . . .

“Move out of your comfort zone. You can only grow if you are willing to feel awkward and uncomfortable when you try something new.” - Brian Tracy

This blog is my journey, my personal story, my openness. It’s accountability for me, and hopefully inspiration to others struggling with this . . . So, here’s to weight loss and good health. This is what I call THE “WEIGHT”ING GAME . . .

The "WEIGHT"ING GAME

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

What's on your mind!?

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Today's a NEW DAY!!!

I'm READY!!!