Today's a NEW DAY!!!

TODAY’S A NEW DAY!!

Last night I tossed and turned . . .  and cried . . . 1:30am, crying . . . but I doze off. 3:17am, wake up. Cry myself to sleep. 6:35, wake up again, cry AGAIN . . . I refuse to continue this behavior . . . I am dissatisfied.  I’m unhappy.  I must make some changes.  This “weight loss” thing is really bothering me.  It’s hard.  It’s stressful.  It’s EXPENSIVE.  BUT, the hardest lesson that I’m learning is. . . IT’S SLOW!! To make myself feel worse, what do I do???? I get up, go to the bathroom, and step on the scale. The scale reads: 278.2!  SOOOOOO, let me tell you how I got here.

In 2002, I was a sophomore in college.  One cold day in October, I woke up with severe cramps.  Because I had irregular periods (before this moment, the last one was January 2001) I didn’t suspect that it was a period.  It wasn’t.  From the time that I was 13, I had been to several doctors, several times about the absence of my period (amenorrhea).  The diagnosis:  I needed to lose weight.  I had always been a “thick” girl.  I recall the fitness test in 5^th grade when I weighed in at 120 pounds; about 30 pounds more than most my classmates.  However, I had always felt that I “carried” my weight well.   I would describe myself as “wide instead of round”.  I was solid – solid thighs, solid arms, and even though my stomach wasn’t flat, it was solid.  No “jiggle” . . . I’ve never had an issue with how I felt about myself.  I’m intelligent, blessed, beautiful, confident, loved . . . just EXTRAORDINARY. Ok, I’m ego tripping J but you catch my drift!! I could even out-run, out-jump, and out-play people much smaller than me.  But, back to the cramps . . . Because I had no health insurance, I had to see a “based on income” doctor . . . This visit would change EVERYTHING. (It was the one time I was thankful for being a broke college student).  Several tests, blood work, and a biopsy later, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS).  The doctor explained that there were many symptoms associated with this syndrome.  They included: absent periods, weight gain, insulin resistance, predisposition for diabetes, slowed metabolism, INFERTILITY.  Despite all those symptoms, the only one that stood out was INFERTILITY because I could surely live without periods!!  I didn’t understand or care about the others.  What was different though, was that until that diagnosis, I had always declared “I’m never having children!”  Once the doctor said that, it’s like I instantly started daydreaming about my future kids.  I had questions . . . Why me?  What type of WOMAN would I be if I couldn’t have children? Who would want to marry a woman that couldn’t birth her own children?  How would I even explain to a potential mate that I wouldn’t be able to possibly have his kids?  I was devastated.  My doctor prescribed birth control pills to regulate the period, and METFORMIN (Glucophage) to control my blood sugar/insulin resistance.  Over the past 10 years, I’ve taken both of them off and on.  Sometimes I think that I’d rather have the physical pain and cramping than the emotional effects/hormonal imbalance from the medications! Anyways . . .  In November 2011, I stood on the glass scale in my bathroom PRAYING that it wouldn’t crack. I was startled at the number -  304.3!!!!  I seriously think that I blacked out for about 1 minute.  THAT was the defining moment for me.  I INSTANTLY became unhappy with my body.  I had to do something.  That day, I went to my cabinet and I threw away EVERYTHING that I considered “bad.”  I trashed gummy bears, Jolly ranchers, popcorn, Pringles, pasta, Kool-aid, and a few other items.  In the afternoons, I started to walk the perimeter of my apartment complex.  I TRIED to eat healthy; it was expensive and required a lot of planning.  One week before Thanksgiving break, I decided to join a gym.  I went daily and over the holiday break, I even went twice a day.  I started changing some of the things that I ate, but this was difficult because I’m such a picky eater.  I don’t LOVE food like the misconception that most people have about plus sized people.  I eat for survival.  I’m not an emotional eater, but my choices were limited.  No seafood . . . no “slick” foods (oatmeal, yogurt, etc.) . . . WHAT’S A GIRL TO DO!?  I made an appointment to see my doctor in January.  When I weighed in at her office, the scale read 298.  I sobbed.  I had done all of this for almost two months and all I lost was SIX POUNDS.  She then explained that because of the PCOS, I would have to work 3 times as hard as the average person to lose the same amount of weight.  I cried some more.  Crying is my coping mechanism . . . With food and exercise recommendations from her, I set out to accomplish this feat . . .  A few pounds at a time; slow and steady.  I even tried a weight loss shake that eventually make my blood pressure spike to 207/169; stroke level.  I knew then, that I was gonna have to do this this the HARD way - TOTAL change in diet and exercise.

That leads me to now.  I’m 26 pounds down with a lot to go.  I woke up crying because it’s tough. It’s uncomfortable.   It’s so much easier to just stop.  But if I stop, I’ll be an UNhappy camper . . .    

“Move out of your comfort zone. You can only grow if you are willing to feel awkward and uncomfortable when you try something new.” - Brian Tracy

This blog is my journey, my personal story, my openness.  It’s accountability for me, and hopefully inspiration to others struggling with this . . .  So, here’s to weight loss and good health.  This is what I call THE “WEIGHT”ING GAME . . .