Sweet Nothings

This love affair that we have . . . Words can’t fully describe it. I’ve never loved like this before. I don’t remember how or when, but some time ago, I got caught up. Nights when no one was there, I turned to you. You made me whole. Sleepless nights - you were there. Stress at work – you were there. I turned to you for protection. I loved you and you loved me – COMPLETELY. But now as I look back over our times together, I realize that your love for me wasn’t as genuine as I perceived it to be. Many times after our rendezvous, you would leave me in pain. I was waiting, crying out for help, and you weren’t there. I paid professionals to fix what you had broken but that never really mattered to you. Even after all those sessions, I found myself running back to you. . . CANDY – MY SWEET NOTHING. ad•dic•tion -[uh-dik-shuhn] noun the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma. As much as I hate to admit, I have realized that candy is my addiction. Starting on this weight loss journey, I knew that this would be difficult, but I didn’t realize that it would be THIS hard!!! For majority of my life, I’ve eaten candy EVERYDAY. In school, my classmates always knew that I would have some type of candy. My co-workers know. My family knows . . . Taking on a task that I knew would be challenging, I decided to quit candy “cold turkey” . . . After all, it’s just candy . . . right? WRONG!! The first day without candy was a breeze. I thought that since they were all just “sweets”, I could replace it with fruit. It lasted – that day. On the second day without my candy fix, I felt somewhat sick. I had a headache but I doubled-up on fruit trying to get the “sugar rush” that I thought I needed. The fruit helped, but it didn’t satisfy the longing that I had. By day three, I wanted to be admitted – to a hospital, mental ward, SOMEWHERE!! I was frustrated, irritated, and upset. I had a pounding headache and I started to cry . . . and cry . . . and cry. Was I seriously crying over the fact that I couldn’t eat candy? Even with no one around, I was embarrassed. Needless to say, I ate candy the rest of the week, and I felt great. But I was still disappointed with myself!! I needed a reasonable solution to fix this. I decided that instead of having candy 7 days a week, I would only fall victim to it for five days. THAT worked!! The next week, I got bold. I set out to only eat it four days, IT WORKED!!! The third week, I attempted 3 days . . . nope, it didn’t happen!! I ended up eating candy a fourth day. This week, I’m attempting three days again. I’ve already had it today, so I have just two more days to ration out. I look forward to being able to go seven complete days without candy. Due to work related stress and other issues, I haven’t stuck to my exercise routine over the past couple weeks. I recently did a foot detox that shocked me once I saw the toxins extracted. I’ve only lost 2.9 pounds in the past two weeks, but I’m ready to face this week head on!! Quote of the week: You must do the thing you think you cannot do – Eleanor Roosevelt

Just Stand Up - Various Artists

Not so Lucky!!!

As I prepared to go to Las Vegas last week, I decided on a low carb diet so that I would drop a few pounds quickly and not have to worry about putting on “extra” weight while on vacation. For the entire week, I ate baked/grilled chicken and some type of greens (lettuce, raw spinach, etc.). I only drank water (as I mostly do anyways) and had a small amount of “lite” apple juice. The first day was HORRIBLE. I had no energy, and was sleepy the entire day. By the second day, I realized that I needed to replace those bad carbs that I had eliminated with good ones, and everything was much better the remaining days! Friday FINALLY arrived and it was time to leave for Vegas. After I weighed my luggage, I decided to weigh myself . . . Had this low carb diet really worked? Were the boring meals worth it? The moment of truth . . . lost 4.9 pounds!! I was excited because even IF I put on a few pounds while in Vegas, I would have to worry about weighing more than when I started. Needless to say, “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” . . .EXCEPT . . .

In “Old Vegas” (downtown Las Vegas), there is a zip line that you can
ride from one end of the street to the side. If you know me, you know
that I’m a thrill seeker, so I was excited about the opportunity to do
so . . . UNTIL my bestie Candi and I got to entrance to read the
requirements for riding. In big, black, bold letters it
read : “Maximum weight requirement: 250 pounds”. BUMMER!! Honestly, I
wasn’t THAT upset because I had already predicted that there was some
weight requirement, but I was praying that it was more than what I ]
weighed. I told Candi that I would wait while she rode, but she
insisted that it would be boring without her BFF. . . Although I
didn’t acknowledge it, I could see her “checking” to see if I was
upset with the fact that I couldn’t ride, but I kept my poker face on
and we continued on our way . . .

The night before we left, I had insisted on riding the roller coaster
at New York, New York ( a hotel/casino) in Vegas. We walked a little
over two miles at night for me to get to the roller coaster, so I
prayed that I could actually ride when we got there. Not only would
it had been embarrassing to not be able to, but my friends would have
been upset for having to walk that far (I assume), for NOTHING! As I
approached the line, I saw the sign . . . “People of certain weights
and/or certain size bodies or body types may not be able to ride.” I
contemplated just getting out of line and pretending that I had
ridden, but that would just be cowardly, I thought. As I paid my $14
to ride, I was relieved to see someone bigger than me up ahead in the
line and even more relieved when I saw her exit AFTER the ride was
over. I WAS SAFE!! As I got in the seat, I pulled down the shoulder
restraints and pulled up the seat restraint. I was just certain that
I wasn’t locked in place, so I asked the attendants to check it about
six times. They assured me that I was locked in and I was. The ride
went well, and I left just as happy as the plus sized lady that I had
I had seen go before me.

I had planned to exercise while on vacation, but mistakenly left my tennis shoes home. Once I got home, I was excited about weighing myself. . . But, just as I had predicted, I had gained ZERO pounds while on vacation!! We walked SO MUCH while in Vegas and never did any binge eating so it was easy this time around. I do look forward to going back to Vegas, and when I do, I WILL meet the weight requirements for the zip line even though I was not so lucky this time!!

What's on your mind!?

Since I'm using this blog for empowerment/encouragement, I would like to use
this post to allow everyone to post exercise tips, healthy recipes, frustrations, and ideas to support each other!!  I'm loving the love so far, and I thank God for you all!!!

Today's a NEW DAY!!!

TODAY’S A NEW DAY!!

Last night I tossed and turned . . .  and cried . . . 1:30am, crying . . . but I doze off. 3:17am, wake up. Cry myself to sleep. 6:35, wake up again, cry AGAIN . . . I refuse to continue this behavior . . . I am dissatisfied.  I’m unhappy.  I must make some changes.  This “weight loss” thing is really bothering me.  It’s hard.  It’s stressful.  It’s EXPENSIVE.  BUT, the hardest lesson that I’m learning is. . . IT’S SLOW!! To make myself feel worse, what do I do???? I get up, go to the bathroom, and step on the scale. The scale reads: 278.2!  SOOOOOO, let me tell you how I got here.

In 2002, I was a sophomore in college.  One cold day in October, I woke up with severe cramps.  Because I had irregular periods (before this moment, the last one was January 2001) I didn’t suspect that it was a period.  It wasn’t.  From the time that I was 13, I had been to several doctors, several times about the absence of my period (amenorrhea).  The diagnosis:  I needed to lose weight.  I had always been a “thick” girl.  I recall the fitness test in 5^th grade when I weighed in at 120 pounds; about 30 pounds more than most my classmates.  However, I had always felt that I “carried” my weight well.   I would describe myself as “wide instead of round”.  I was solid – solid thighs, solid arms, and even though my stomach wasn’t flat, it was solid.  No “jiggle” . . . I’ve never had an issue with how I felt about myself.  I’m intelligent, blessed, beautiful, confident, loved . . . just EXTRAORDINARY. Ok, I’m ego tripping J but you catch my drift!! I could even out-run, out-jump, and out-play people much smaller than me.  But, back to the cramps . . . Because I had no health insurance, I had to see a “based on income” doctor . . . This visit would change EVERYTHING. (It was the one time I was thankful for being a broke college student).  Several tests, blood work, and a biopsy later, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS).  The doctor explained that there were many symptoms associated with this syndrome.  They included: absent periods, weight gain, insulin resistance, predisposition for diabetes, slowed metabolism, INFERTILITY.  Despite all those symptoms, the only one that stood out was INFERTILITY because I could surely live without periods!!  I didn’t understand or care about the others.  What was different though, was that until that diagnosis, I had always declared “I’m never having children!”  Once the doctor said that, it’s like I instantly started daydreaming about my future kids.  I had questions . . . Why me?  What type of WOMAN would I be if I couldn’t have children? Who would want to marry a woman that couldn’t birth her own children?  How would I even explain to a potential mate that I wouldn’t be able to possibly have his kids?  I was devastated.  My doctor prescribed birth control pills to regulate the period, and METFORMIN (Glucophage) to control my blood sugar/insulin resistance.  Over the past 10 years, I’ve taken both of them off and on.  Sometimes I think that I’d rather have the physical pain and cramping than the emotional effects/hormonal imbalance from the medications! Anyways . . .  In November 2011, I stood on the glass scale in my bathroom PRAYING that it wouldn’t crack. I was startled at the number -  304.3!!!!  I seriously think that I blacked out for about 1 minute.  THAT was the defining moment for me.  I INSTANTLY became unhappy with my body.  I had to do something.  That day, I went to my cabinet and I threw away EVERYTHING that I considered “bad.”  I trashed gummy bears, Jolly ranchers, popcorn, Pringles, pasta, Kool-aid, and a few other items.  In the afternoons, I started to walk the perimeter of my apartment complex.  I TRIED to eat healthy; it was expensive and required a lot of planning.  One week before Thanksgiving break, I decided to join a gym.  I went daily and over the holiday break, I even went twice a day.  I started changing some of the things that I ate, but this was difficult because I’m such a picky eater.  I don’t LOVE food like the misconception that most people have about plus sized people.  I eat for survival.  I’m not an emotional eater, but my choices were limited.  No seafood . . . no “slick” foods (oatmeal, yogurt, etc.) . . . WHAT’S A GIRL TO DO!?  I made an appointment to see my doctor in January.  When I weighed in at her office, the scale read 298.  I sobbed.  I had done all of this for almost two months and all I lost was SIX POUNDS.  She then explained that because of the PCOS, I would have to work 3 times as hard as the average person to lose the same amount of weight.  I cried some more.  Crying is my coping mechanism . . . With food and exercise recommendations from her, I set out to accomplish this feat . . .  A few pounds at a time; slow and steady.  I even tried a weight loss shake that eventually make my blood pressure spike to 207/169; stroke level.  I knew then, that I was gonna have to do this this the HARD way - TOTAL change in diet and exercise.

That leads me to now.  I’m 26 pounds down with a lot to go.  I woke up crying because it’s tough. It’s uncomfortable.   It’s so much easier to just stop.  But if I stop, I’ll be an UNhappy camper . . .    

“Move out of your comfort zone. You can only grow if you are willing to feel awkward and uncomfortable when you try something new.” - Brian Tracy

This blog is my journey, my personal story, my openness.  It’s accountability for me, and hopefully inspiration to others struggling with this . . .  So, here’s to weight loss and good health.  This is what I call THE “WEIGHT”ING GAME . . .

I'm READY!!!

This is my journey to healthy living through weight loss.  I've decided to start this blog as a means of accountability for me, and so that I may inspire others to leave their "comfort zone" and
step out on prayer.  My friend Heather asked me a series of questions when I told her about this blog and journey. "Are you ready? Ready to be vulnerable?  To open yourself up to the world? To tell your story?"  Teary eyed, I replied "Yes, I'm uncomfortable Heather. I'm ready for change."  So this is my story . . .